Okay, you knew it was going to happen. That I would write a post on celebrities and alcohol. It was inevitable; only because this is not a lethal combination at all, but the best combination for salacious tidbits on the people who deserve it most. Celebrities. Now before I hear y’all volley over the “celebrities are people, too” mantra, yes I know this. And they also should be convicted and locked up like the rest of us, but they don’t so let’s just move on and make fun of them, because it’s fun to.

The folks at Instyle Magazine recently put together cocktails of celebrities. I just thought I would be nice and list them for everyone to check out. And also comment on the beautiful people. If it weren’t for them, we would have nothing to laugh at. Remember Nick Nolte on The Smoking Gun.com? I rest my case…

Jessica Biel

I have no gripe with Jessica Biel. She’s beautiful. I would not say she is a seasoned thespian, but if you need a hot chick combined with military hardware (Stealth), soft comedy (Chuck and Larry) or  , she’s your girl. It so sucks I cannot make fun of her. Damn. She is really pretty. Anyway, here’s the bitch’s favorite drink.

Angry Dragon Cocktail - The Grand, New York City
2 tbsp. of dragon fruit
1 tbsp. yuzu
3/4 oz. jasmine syrup
1 oz. sake
1 oz. Ketel One Citroen

Muddle dragon fruit in a pint glass. Mix in yuzu, jasmine syrup, sake and Ketel One Citroen. Add ice, cover and shake. Pour into glass and garnish with dragon fruit.

Madonna

Madonna?  Oooooooh. Where do I start dishing on America’s favorite harlot? The thing is with Madonna, even if I lied about anything about her, people would still believe it is true because she is America’s Favorite Harlot (AFH). I will just choose to say that my friend’s in England keep asking me, “When the bloody hell are you going to take her back?”

Pomegranate Martini - Prime Grill, Los Angeles
1 1/2 oz. Stoli Blueberi vodka
1 oz. Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice
1 1/2 oz. fresh blackberry puree
1 oz. cranberry juice

Combine ingredients in a shaker half filled with ice. Shake well. Serve in a martini glass and garnish with a fresh orange slice.

Rebecca Romijn

You get called a celebrity when your most famous move is to marry Blackie from General Hospital? Oh I forgot. You were one of Magneto’s kids. Who could forgot those blue…boobs…

Red Pearl - Red Pearl Kitchen, Hollywood
2 oz. Pearl Pomegranate Vodka
1/2 oz. peach liqueur
1 oz. pineapple juice
1 oz. cranberry juice
A splash of champagne or sparkling wine

Shake vodka, liqueur and juices together. Strain into a martini glass. Top off with a splash of champagne. Garnish with edible flower.

Gisele Bündchen

Giselle, who?  For all of us New England Patriots fans, she will forever be blamed as the “Extracurricular Activity who caused Tom Brady to lose the Super Bowl”. I rest my case.  Perhaps we should rename this drink as Traitor Punch, or maybe even “The Extracurricular Activity who caused Tom Brady to lose the Super Bowl Traitor Punch”, or something like that.

Let’s make a deal, Giselle. Next year when the Pats are in the Super Bowl, your boney ass better be in some seaweed wrap at a spa in Baden-Baden with Helga the former Iron Curtain shotputter as your massuese. If not, I’ll slap you off that catwalk faster than you sing “Deutchsland, Deutschland Uber Alles”.

Peach Passion - Set, Miami
1 1/2 oz. Grey Goose Vodka
1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps
3 oz. Looza peach nectar
1 tsp. orange marmalade
1 tsp. Rose’s Grenadine
4 fresh raspberries
1 sprig of mint

In a shaker combine vodka, schnapps, peach nectar and orange marmalade. Shake vigorously. Strain into a glass and add grenadine for color. Garnish with raspberries and mint sprig.

Teri Hatcher

I don’t even know who this person is, but when I Googled them it said, “Desperate Housewives“.  Aren’t they all?

I guess because I don’t watch mainstream TV I don’t know a lot of these shows. This, is a blessing. TV sucks. Get cable. With Showtime. Watch Weeds.

Demeter - D’Or at Amalia, New York City
3 black cherries (halved and pitted)
3/4 oz. elderflower cordial
1 1/2 oz. of Martin Miller’s Gin
A splash of soda

Muddle cherries. Add elderflower cordial and gin. Pour in an ice-filled glass. Add a splash of soda and garnish with a flower.

Kiefer Sutherland

Ah, but the question is, was it because of the Jade Mistress Kiefer got his DUI?  Surely, Jack Bauer would never have gotten a DUI. That would have taken 2 hours and he would only have been able to get 22 hours left to save the US.

Jade Mistress - Red Pearl Kitchen, Hollywood
1 cup sugar
1 cup water
2 1/2 oz. Han Asian vodka (infused with red chilies overnight)
1 oz. fresh sour mix
1 tbsp. and 1 tsp. diced apple
3 Thai basil leaves

First, prepare sugar syrup: Heat the sugar and water over low heat, stirring with a wooden spoon until sugar has dissolved. Stop stirring and increase heat to medium. Simmer 2 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool; refrigerate 2 hours before using. Muddle one tablespoon of diced apple, two basil leaves and add a splash of the sugar syrup. Add vodka and sour mix. Shake and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with remaining basil leaf and tsp. of diced apple.

George Clooney

I am not a big George Clooney fan, but because my friend Dave Fravel is often mistaken for him and I know I would have gotten grief from him if I did not include George, it was just worth it to add him. I think the two were actually separated at birth…and to think George Clooney could have been a programming nerd instead of a big star…

Raspberry Cheesecake - Cherry, Las Vegas
2 oz. vodka
2 oz. raspberry-flavored liqueur
2 oz. heavy cream
1 oz. sour mix
Mint sprig for garnish

In a shaker half filled with ice cubes, combine vodka, raspberry-flavored liqueur, heavy cream and sour mix. Shake well. Strain into glass. Garnish with mint sprig.

Vince Vaughn

Vince Vaughn can do whatever he wants and can drink what ever he wants. I love this man. He can do no wrong. You could find a dead hooker in his trunk and I would still write to him in prison. You know why? This guy has it. Did you see Swingers? He is #1 on my “Top Ten Guys I want to Party With”. Along with Matthew McConnaghey and Christopher Walken. Because they are all bad boys. Bad boys we love. What my baby wants, my baby gets.

Red Bull and Vodka - Reserve, Chicago
4 oz. Red Bull energy drink
2 oz. vodka
Pour Red Bull and vodka into an ice-filled glass. Stir well.

Charlize Theron

Any hot chick that can win an Academy Award for playing a lesbian serial killer, I’m sold.

Pomegranate Blossom - Social Hollywood, Los Angeles
1/2 cup sugar
2 oz. citrus-flavored vodka
1 oz. pomegranate juice
1/2oz. fresh lemon juice

In a small, heavy saucepan combine sugar and 1/2 cup water. Stir over medium heat until sugar dissolves. Simmer 5 minutes. Remove from heat. Cover and chill. In shaker half filled with ice cubes, combine vodka, pomegranate juice, lemon juice and 1 Tbs. sugar syrup. Shake well. Strain into glass.