Summer is almost here and what is cold, refreshing and reminds everyone of Summer? Watermelons! Whether you are cutting triangle slices for the kiddies to munch on whilst watermelon drool floods down their cheeks, or engage in a seed-spitting death match with your mother-in-law, or my favorite – hallowing out one huge melon, pouring in a bottle of EverClear, add some large straws to the mix, then combining perhaps some sparklers, fire and some assorted high-caliber firearms..

Living on Cape Cod in the summertime is truly a treat; it had better be since the other 8 months of the year can cause anyone at times to:

a.) Go insane
b.) Drink inordinate amounts of alcohol
c.) Cut your neighbor into tiny little pieces when they blow snow all over your already snowblown driveway
d.) Threaten your wife/husband/partner/indentured cabana boy that THIS TIME you are REALLY moving to a warm climate – like Equador – next year…
e.) All of the Above

Fear not fellow Cape Codders. Summer is here and it is a time to reflect on all those above decisions that we fortunately did not execute as planned. Except perhaps B. The sun has apparently thawed us out from all those cold feelings and we are now planning on a summer filled with sun, beach, cookouts and BBQs. What more could you ask for?

Okay, well for one, I seem to never be satisfied, so here is my list of things I would like in addition to the normal accoutrements of my Cape Cod Summer. Valued Tourists, schizophrenic second-home owners, people over 70, and even some of you bipolar locals, take note; I will be watching (and taking down license numbers…)

Rules for an Effective and Stress-free Summer on Cape Cod for the Locals – the Unedited Version

1.) NO stopping in the middle of a main street in your car, even if it is a freaking rare siting of the red breasted booby in the rhodies, or a life-size windmill on someone’s lawn made out of reclaimed lobster pots, or a “Yard Sale” sign. Face it, it’s crap no one wants. This is America for God’s sake; where else on earth can you buy a NEW toaster for $8.99?

2.) NO stopping in the middle of a rotary. I realize going around in a circle is challenging for some of you, mostly the cellphone attached soccer moms in minivans, but if you pass your exit, do not stop, keep going. Here is a little secret – rotaries are circular which means if you keep driving, you will see that exit again and will be a little more prepared this time around. Capiche?

3.) NO assuming that all of us who live here are waitresses, salty charter boat captains and or wear Lili Pulitzer skirts on the weekends to debutante croquet parties in Hyannisport. We actually do live here year round and myself and most of my associates and friends are all into technology. Yes, we have computers, wifi and cable. We have indoor plumbing these days, also…

4.) NO assuming we all know how to get to some obscure tea house in West Dennis when we live in Falmouth, or that we know your cousin’s son who once was the fry chef at Kream ‘n Cone, or that we knew the Connelly’s who had a beach house in Sandwich for 30 years. Cape Cod is huge and it takes almost 2 hours from end to end. We are divided into many towns with each its own charm and history. And hangouts. And certain groups of people tend to assume when their friends go to “The Cape”, that they have scoured every nook and cranny and have met all the salty locals. We do not know each other intimately. We are not incestual gypsies. Well, I could be wrong about parts of Truro…

5.) NO I do not know where to park your car for free to go to the Vineyard. I suggest you pay for parking, or you can have a nice Sunday evening getting your car out of impound. Parking in a safe and secure parking lot also assures you of other things. Your car not being broke into. Your car having 4 tires when you return. Your car not being occupied by a family of rabid raccoons. Or incestual gypsies from Truro.

Do YOU have anymore Summer Rules you would like to post? Comment here and let me know what rule you would add to the list I started. Inquiring minds want to know!

And while you are doing that, here are some killer recipes for the Watermelon martini. Make some up for the summer and enjoy!

Recipe #1

1/2 oz. vodka
½ ounce lime juice
½ ounce Triple Sec
6 frozen watermelon cubes (about ½ inch square each)
½ shaker of ice
½ ounce Chambord

Recipe #2

1 cup watermelon juice (press watermelon through a sieve or cheesecloth)
1/2 cup (4 oz) Vodka
1/4 cup simple syrup (sugar)
juice of 1 lime
3 tablespoons salt (optional)
3 tablespoons sugar (optional)
ice
Watermelon slices, for garnish (optional)

Recipe #3

1/2 oz fresh lime juice
1 oz citrus vodka
1 1/2 oz fresh watermelon juice
1 watermelon slice for garnish

Shake them all up and pour into your favorite glass!