Editor: For so long, we have known them as adversaries, competitors and giants of industry. But all that has changed when both Bill Gates of Microsoft and Steve Jobs of Apple agreed to this interview with our humble reporter. We are so incredibly verklempt - we don’t know what to say. So, without further ado, here is Bill and Steve, unwired.

Who are you and what do you do?

I’m Bill Gates and I spend my days counting all my money. Eventually I might finish. I am also the founder of Microsoft.

I’m Steve Jobs. I invented the digital media world. I also started Apple. Unbelievable. I don’t need to count my money. I only make $1 a year. I am working on “Apple Money”, where the new currency will be in Apple products. Al Gore says it will be great. I invented the freaking iPhone. Not even God could do that. Extraordinary. Revolutionary. Unbelievable. Huge. Better and better and better. Boom.

What services/products do you offer?

Bill:
1. Inspiration
I single-handedly provided one of the world’s greatest programmers with the inspiration to invent the most popular computer command of all time.

2. Self confidence
Even the geekiest of geek boys can look at the picture above and feel like a Greek God.

3. Clippy
You’ve used Word, right?

Steve:
You are kidding, right? Apple? Ever heard of it? And why is Bill Gates first? Microsoft freaking sucks. Bill Gates isn’t even worthy to carry my mankini. Monkey Boy Balmer eats my shorts. Unbelievable. Boom.

Who/where is your audience?

Bill: Every living, breathing human being on earth. And convince them they need 5 of them. Then give them non-compliant browsers, lots of patches and convince them they need a “Surface” for their living room. Even in Namibia.

Steve: The question is, not who is my audience, but who is cool enough to want to be my audience. Wouldn’t it be cool if they all dressed in black turtlenecks, blue jeans and Adidas sneakers and carried an iPhone. Huge. Wouldn’t it be great? Unbelievable. And boom.

What are the websites?

The website is Microsoft.com. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. And no, I’m not Fake Steve Jobs.

Steve: Are you freaking kidding me? Apple.com. It’s everywhere. Boom. Pretty cool, huh?

Well Funded or Bootstrapped?

Bill: Well, let me see. This morning I heated a pot of tea above a hundred-dollar-bill fire and threw a few million into the furnace to take the chill out of the morning air before resuming work on my life-sized Papier-mâché Statue of Liberty made out of fifties.

Steve: Let’s just say, we are in our “growth” stage. Better and better and better. Extraordinary. Revolutionary. Unbelievable. Huge. Boom.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?

Bill: Working on my Papier-mâché Mount Everest.

Steve: To add “i” to everything on earth, and copyright it and make it better and better and better. Boom.

Where were you born - where do you live now?

Bill: I was born Seattle, Washington. I think I still live in Washington State. Melinda?

Steve: I was born in San Francisco, California. I now reside in Palo Alto, California. And I wish people would stop Google Earth-ing me wearing my mankini. Stop stealing my license plates. Unbelievable. Huge. Boom.

PC or Mac?

Bill: The what now?
Steve: This interview is over. Unbelievable. Boom.

Where did you go to school?

Bill: I went to Harvard for a little while. But that’s where I met my sweaty friend Ballmer, so it’s all good. You may have seen him - but here is Monkey Boy again.

Steve: I’m a drop out of Reed College. But one does not need school to be a genius. One only needs to have my ability. Huge. Boom.

What Social Networks are you on?

Bill: The what now?
Steve: My own. The iNetwork. Don’t even think of it - it is copyrighted. So boom.

Greatest invention ever?

Bill: My brain.
Steve: My brain. Pretty cool, huh? Boom.

Person you believe has contributed most to the world of technology?

Bill: Seriously?
Steve: Seriously? Boom.

Where have you traveled in your life?

Bill: Melinda and I like to travel to third world countries and deliver medical supplies to school-age children, along with a Vista upgrade.

Steve: Travel? Who has time to travel when you are creating the most unbelievable, revolutionary inventions mankind can ever conceive of? Unbelievable. Better and better and better. And Boom.

Have you ever been to Cape Cod?

Bill: Do they have Windows on Cape Cod? Is it a third world country in need of medicine? Where is Cape Cod? DOH! I should have looked at Encarta before I said that. Where is that CDRom….

Steve: Since the sun and the moon revolve around Cupertino, there is no need to travel. Except in time. In my own perfect mind. Cape where? Is there a need for an Apple Store? Boom.

5 Websites you go to every day?

Bill:
Microsoft.com

Steve:
Apple.com

What’s on your iPod right now?

Bill: You misspelled “Zune.”

Steve: Whatever I want. I own iTunes, remember?. So boom.

What is on your desktop/screensaver right now?

Bill: Warren Buffet and I playing bridge in thongs on St. Tropez. God, I love that guy.

Steve: Woz and I riding Segways in thongs through Menlo Park. God I love that guy. Huge. Boom.

You are on a deserted island - do you bring a laptop or book?

Bill: Probably neither and just a deck of cards to play bridge. With myself. So I can win.

Steve: I would not find myself on a deserted island. I am Steve Jobs. Boom.

Phone call or text message?

Bill: I prefer the use of my Windows powered mobile smartphone. I have not been able to use it as it keeps showing a blue screen.

Steve: Telepathy. I am going to copyright that and have Apple branded all over it. iThought. Un-be-liev-able. Boom. Are you serious? I can text AND call on the iPhone that I freaking invented. Boom.

Feel free to tell us anything else….?

Bill : April Fool’s and Buy Microsoft Vista and Zune!

Steve: April Fool’s and Buy Apple! And Apple Stock. And Pixar stock. And Disney stock. Huge. Boom.

Thank you for your time, Bill and Steve!